I found an amazing prompt on Pinterest to cast book characters in a movie adaptation and I think I’ve found my calling!

*I’m linking relative bios for each casting choice since pics aren’t really an option because copyright.

Toby

I am not a fan of this character, in general. I find him to be sort of simpering and basic. And grating. It probably doesn’t help that a large part of the story is his internal dialogue so it is naturally very self-centered. I needed an actor that can pull off whiney vanity. My mind IMMEDIATELY went to another of my least-liked characters of all time: Paris in the movie Troy.

Yes, I’m speaking of Orlando Bloom. The character of Prince Paris was so icky that even Bloom himself has tried to distance himself from the performance but, sorry not sorry, he made me a believer. It’s perfect.

Hugo

I like Hugo in a sort of “he’s fascinating and a little bit too good to be true” sort of way. Of course he also has brain cancer so – much like Toby – it’s tough to say how much stock we should put in his memory or how he acts. He’s undeniably scholarly, pleasant, and quirky. He’s the uncle everyone needs as a safe place.

BY GEORGE I’VE GOT IT: Sir Ian McKellen! As Hugo, he’d be a sort of lovable mix between Gandalf (with slightly shorter hair) and Sir Leigh Teabing in The Da Vinci Code (but not driven mad with academic avarice). Aw I love him.

Leon

This dude stresses me out. His energy is so frenetic and it’s written very well by Tana French, assuming that her goal is to make him overstimulating. He’s supposed to be a posh gay dude who escaped a childhood of “otherness” and now lives in Berlin with his partner. He obviously dabbles in recreational drug use and his memory and perceptions are therefore – you guessed it – unreliable. This casting didn’t take me long at all. As soon as I thought about overstimulating drug-fueled plot lines, Fear and Loathing hit me right in the face. Obviously Leon isn’t nearly as under-the-influence as Hunter S. Thompson’s characters but the vibes and the paranoia are spot-on for a comparison to Raoul Duke.

You guessed it – Johnny Depp. He plays (and is?) that guy who’s always on the edge of chaos and darkness. You can’t help but worry about him but it’s also just an innate part of his character. Do we cheer for him? Eh. But the world wouldn’t be the same without him.

Susanna

I see Susanna as that good-ish mom and wife who might yearn for more adventure and excitement on the inside but has everything pretty well controlled on the outside. She seems a bit burdened by her own brain and makes me a bit uneasy at times, like I can’t read her and she might have a bigger plan than she’s letting on. At first, I was leaning toward Julianne Moore but then I realized that I wanted someone who felt as slightly more broody. If her character was younger, I’d have wanted her to be Angelina Jolie as Lisa Rowe in Girl, Interrupted. Someone who feels capable but also a little bit like a loaded gun. Someone who stands up for other women. Oh, duh.

She’s definitely Elisabeth Moss! She’s pleasant and chatty most of the time but you wouldn’t want to be on her bad side if she has a mission. She can come across as a bit sheltered but she’s open-minded and learns quickly.

Dominic

I was a little hesitant to cast Dom since he isn’t an “on the page” character (aside from as an assortment of skull and bones). I certainly don’t give the other characters much credit in remembering him accurately but with the caveat that my casting is based on their very suspect recall, I’ll give it a shot. The guy is a “bro,” plain and simple. He’s popular. He’s a jock. He razzes other kids often to the point of bullying and sometimes to the point of assault (allegedly). I’d like to think that as a teen, I would’ve spotted him as a jerk a mile away. I’m slightly worried that I would have had a crush on him. I’m embarrassed that both things could easily have been true. He’s the good-looking, vapid best friend in every teen movie from the 90s and early 2000s.

He has GOT to be a young Paul Walker (RIP). If he’s as bad as people say he is, then he’s Dean Sampson in She’s All That. If he’s just young and dumb, then he can be Lewis in Joy Ride. Oh my gosh oh my gosh OR if he’s super secret society he could be Caleb Mandrake in The Skulls! Chills.

Should I do Dec and Sean? Melissa? What about some of the Guards??

Also, I reserve the right to change my casting when I finish the book! Maybe I should have waited? Nah. This will be more true to my real feelings than it would be if I already knew who done it.